our cab driver is having phone sex.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
