"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
