I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
