Your face is a jimmy john
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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