I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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