and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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