Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
