The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
