obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This toilet bowl is my home.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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