Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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