Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.