mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.