it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!