trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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