I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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