You smell like stripper and shame
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
