If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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