WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
