My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
