So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
