I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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