no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
