my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
