Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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