Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
