I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
