life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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