im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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