Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
