Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Duck Duck Cougar?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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