I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
