Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
