i'm lost and i look like a hooker
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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