from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize