I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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