"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize