It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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