I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
