im drinking this country out of the recession.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once