apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...