I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
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He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
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It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.