I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
