Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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