I just pynch a tree in the face
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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