Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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