The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
