You're my little dorito
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
