Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
