Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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