i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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