I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
