I met the friendliest cop last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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