get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i now understand why vodka
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me