He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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