I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
bring money and cleavage
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
