I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
