I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I love you. Go after that dick
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
